“Your 5 A Day” meal, £4

Carrot and cucumber slices, nuts and raisins, some inedible humous and a curious cranberry (?) jam-type substance for £4.  Some readers might think that this alone cannot amount to an entire meal.  And you’d be right.  Where is the meat product, for example?  What do you mean, there is no meat?  Doesn’t this go against the very tenets of your basic human-meal?  Yes.  It does.

This package meal seeks to offer absolution from that preternatural worry which we’ve all had marketed into our subconscious brains: have you had your five-a-day?  Unless you’re the test subject of some sadistic microbiotic megalomaniac Gillian McKeith-spawn the answer to this question is invariably ‘no’.  So, tentatively stepping into the bland and tasteless world of the vegetarian I sought to discover whether or not a longer life meant a better life.  For, if one were to dine exclusively on such rabbit food, and if indeed it did prolong life in that one’s insides were eventually purged of the standard 5 lbs of red meat that we all know lie undigested in our guts (thank you Judge Reinhold in Beverley Hills Cop II) – then would this new meatless and thus longer-lasting life be worth actually living?

The short answer is no.  And that’s what I’m giving you: the short answer.  Suicide would be preferable.  The food itself is pretty much fresh and inoffensive, what is offensive is that it doesn’t sit on top of a gigantic sizzling steak.  You might think that’s my fault for not ordering a steak and getting the food I wanted rather than a veggie option, but you’d be wrong.  The purchase was a direct result of the indelible fear that “5-a-day” marketing has seeded into the darkest parts of our souls.

VN:F [1.9.13_1145]
Rating: +2 (from 2 votes)