Pizza Express, Peter Street

Garlic bread with mozzarella £3.20, sloppy Giuseppe £8.60, chocolate fudge cake £4.65

Calamari al forno £4.95, Siciliana £8.60, toffee fudge glory gelato £4.80

In a desperate bid to escape eating Mrs Tum’s kipper quiche leftovers for the fourth time this week I surprised her with a romantic dinner for two at Pizza Express (the spontaneity of the gesture having nothing to do with the 2-for-1 voucher burning a hole in my wallet).  Despite the best part of the restaurant being completely empty we were hustled into a corner about 8-ft square along with six or so other couples.

I managed to find my old favourite on the new menu of garlic bread with mozzarella which was perfectly tasty although slightly stingy with the mozzarella.  Had I wanted so much plain dough I would have ordered the dough-balls.  Mrs Tum, revelling in her first night out in a long, long time, plumped for the calamari al forno.  She was less than impressed with the offering of three squid rings cut into halves and served in soggy breadcrumbs on a slate plate which looked like a fallen roof tile!

For the main course my Sloppy Giuseppe and Mrs Tum’s Siciliana pizzas were served by a friendly waiter.  My dish was spicy and loaded with meat and cheese and Mrs Tum’s was smothered in toppings and steaming hot.  I was ambitiously hoping for a moriatum on complaints about Mrs Tum’s first course only to become instantly aghast at the sight of flies buzzing round Mrs Tum’s lacquered hair and finely-pressed Chanel suit.  Needless to say Mrs Tum’s fly-swatting, flailing arms suggested severe annoyance and all hopes of an unprecedented, energetic finale to the evening were slowly fading before my eyes.  Admitting defeat, I consoled myself with a chocolate fudge cake.  Predictably, it was stunningly average . . .