ALDI, Market Street

Chicken Salad Sandwich          99p

There must have been an altruistic psychic making sandwiches on the factory line for Aldi this morning.  Knowing that a purchase from their paltry sandwich selection usually leads me inexorably into a mental battle with suicidal impulses this humane telepath clearly lent a generous hand in the preparation of the unusually agreeable ingredients.

Normally with a cheap-ass ALDI chicken/ham/bacon/insert-meat-here sandwich there is an almost profound abundance of salty sandy dryness, to the near exclusion of filling and sauce.  This experience of painful aridity, akin to chewing on a used sandal, is what usually triggers my downward spiralling thoughts of permanent self-harm.  In this instance, my unnamed guardian spotted this sad potential and sought to assuage my aching soul and rumbling stomach.

Resigning myself to the barren flavours but undeniable affordability of the meek chicken sandwich I tucked in, inconsolable tears of resignation threatening to flood my eyes, when suddenly my endorphins kicked in, seizing upon the slightest thread of zest and throttling the essence from it with every ounce of strength in my otherwise resource-depleted brain.  Clawing back positivity from the black abysses of blandworld, it was like travelling the long savoury road to redemption via the medium of chewing.

Your mileage may vary, and this experience was particularly circumstantial, borne of impecunious financial standing and boosted by unexpected fervour responding to the natural elation of dodging suicide.  But next time I’m staggering along Market Street screaming at the skies for inspiration and weeping at strangers to give me direction to food, I know I’ll be able to drag myself to the realisation that: the ALDI over there?  It aint so bad.  And thank goodness for their psychic staff…